| does anyone use xanga anymore?
it has been ages since i've been on here.
it's almost 3AM..and still i can't sleep. maybe staying up late almost everyday has screwed my sleep orientation...or maybe i'm too stressed out to sleep.
it's been a little bit over 2 months since i've been at georgia tech. i made it to the school my parents hoped i would get into. i really don't know why i came to tech. i don't even know if i want to be an engineer. i have no clue what i want to do. i feel as if i've been dropped into this tech life without any life jacket. i've heard so many stories of how people struggle to survive at tech. i knew coming into tech that it would be an enormous challenge for me to face. it's been only a few months and yet honestly i feel that challenge is..impossible. i'm failing three of my five classes and the thought of failing those classes stresses the hell out of me every day..not only does it stress me out..it scares the shit out of me. every day i see students and i wonder how on earth did they make it past the first year at tech. i don't know what i would do if i failed my first semester in college. what an embarrassment, what a shame, what a humiliation it would be to fail. i guess i fear failing because not only would i fail myself but also my parents. every time i get a phone call from my parents, they remind me of how proud they are and their expectation of me. shit..how can i face them and tell them the truth. the only thing worse than physical punishment is mental punishment. if i tell my parents the truth, they will definitely be disappointed. their only child, the only son in the family couldn't even survive..not the first YEAR but the first SEMESTER at tech.
how pathetic.
i can't say i tried all that i can, because i'm sure there's more that i can do. but if staying up till 3am to study or studying all weekend long results in failure than what more can i do. is there anything i can do to recover from my early failures in time for me to succeed at the end? is it still possible for me to survive the first semester? is there hope? a light at the end of the tunnel? in midst of all these questions and stresses and worries i have only one question to ask:
God where are you?
it seems that since college started, my spiritual life has been declining while my stress and worry level has been increasing. am i losing connection with God? ever since i realized i'm failing my classes i began to question more about Christianity and about God and about my faith. maybe because i've been failing at everything..even life..it seems that i'm failing in my faith too. how much more failure can i take till i crack? one can only take so many failures.
honestly...i don't know what to do anymore.
i guess all i can do right now is pray. in the darkest time and the most desperate time all i can do is look towards God. God hear me out..i pray for faith, strength, and perseverance. faith so that i never lose hope. strength so that i may endure the difficulty and the hardship. perseverance so that i can live out Your plan. also on the short term help me get through and pass this semester and be successful during my life at tech.
3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. -Romans 5:3-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4
|
| |
